I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
