i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
