do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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