turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
