My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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