I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize