One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
