are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
