im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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