peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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