I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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