Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
