she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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