I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
