I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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