When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
