One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
