how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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