hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Be still, my beating vagina.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
