Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
