Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
