dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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