My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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