so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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