we have pet lesbian snakes
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
