im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
