Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
