Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
