He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The air was thick with penises
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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