I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
