OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
you had me at cake vodka
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
