I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
