I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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