Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
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