vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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