Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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