We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
someone owes me an orgasm
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
