Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
