True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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