she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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