I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
