Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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