She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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