Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
