my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
