checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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