I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
