Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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