Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
