im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
