i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
