mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
