Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
