I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
