he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
