Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
