Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
