Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
