somebody snuck up and got me drunk
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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