drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
