Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
