I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
